The RockStar Review

Ah, Zayra. Wasn't that just music to your ears? The best performance she has had on-stage by far, and it was merely telling everybody "goodbye". It almost brought a tear to my eye knowing that the competition is actually reaching a level of legitamicy .

Or is it? I have to say, the notion of having each one of the contestants sing an original song every week FINALLY puts some intrigue into the show... HOWEVER... It's a little off-putting when the performance comes and it's not quite... Live. This is not to say it wasn't, but it certainly wasn't, hmmm, how shall we say, Memorex worthy. First of all, there's the song. Leave the Light On. Is it just me, or does this sound like the title to a Bonnie Raitt country-croon gone bad? You know, where the video stars that Cletus guy and he's got the lights on and finally looks under his covers to see none other than Willie Nelson? Hell yeah, I'd leave them motherfuckin' lights. I mean, shit--that'd give a whole new meaning to "strokin' my Willie".

But I digress. By the way, why do people digress all the time? Oh, nevermind. Back to the show. Yes, Leave The Lights On sounded like it was/is an attempt to please Casey Kasem and the American Top 40 crew. Yes, I can see it now--20 years from now, it will be a long distance dedication from Cletus to Willie, but that's beside the point. The song really had about as much rock in it as Zayra's original spanish lullabye song. Fuck if I didn't feel like eating a damn chimichonga with refried beans after hearing that. If I'd only known Leave The Lights On beforehand, I could have given old Willie a dutch oven--get high on that, Willie! Wooooheeeee! P.S. I'm sure I spelled chimichonga wrong--no offense meant for those working at Taco Bell, Del Taco, or El Pollo Loco.

Damn this digressing thing has got to stop. Back to the song, and the performance. Did anybody else catch the fact that certain parts of it were obviously pre-recorded? Word has it Milli Vanilli is looking to have a new reality show because of this very performance. Actually, it will be pay-per-view and only starring Milli (or is it Vanilli--whichever one isn't dead, anyway), with the live one trying to record a new record via a seance with the other. None other than Rob Zombie is looking to produce.

Jesus, I can't seem to stay on topic here. By the way, I don't know what Jesus has to do with it. Did anybody notice he was actually on the cover of Slayer's new album, with his arms severed? Damn. It's like those guys woke up on the wrong side of the pew one morning after confessional or something. Anyway, yes--the song seemed a wee-bit pre-recorded, though Dilanah (or however you spell her name... I'm getting lazy here) did a pretty good job.

Which brings me to Magni. How on earth he made it to the bottom three is beyond me, though I think it may have been something of a coy move on his part to choose Creep by Radiohead, a song Bukkake-throated Lukas had won an encore for before. I happen to think Magni song the heck out of the song, carrying the lyrics. If you compare his performance to Lukas, you can clearly see Lukas had wind-pipe problems when the lyrics forced him to hold a note. But then again, I might too if I had a friggin gallon of some guys jizz in the back of my throat. The only other cocksucking raspy-voiced guy that's Lukas may have to look up to is Rod Stewart, but word had it that all the manchowder ended up in his stomache--not the back of his throat for eight weeks.

So, here's to next week's show: it does appear that it's becoming a bit more of a competition, but one can only hope the song selections improve rather than using the same songs over and over. Getting the boot next week--Patrice, with Ryan hot on her heels. I don't know if either will ever have that much success, but hey, at least they can aim a little higher than picking up trash ala Boy George this past week. We all know George know about the Crying Game.